Nicknamed ‘The Shred’ to due an embarrassing incident in 2002 involving an electronic office device and his penis, Goodwin steered RBS into meltdown with the systematic malpractice of gambling with bank’s investments and unnecessary risk-taking in the financial markets. He was awarded his knighthood in 2004 by the Labour government for his services to banking, but public backlash has pursued him like an unruly mob tailing a paediatrician ever since the 2007 financial crisis.
The stripping ceremony itself will take place at Buckingham palace in a fortnight’s time. Goodwin will be secured into one of the palace’s smaller reception rooms, and must fully de-robe erotically whilst dancing to this song, which also serves as Britain’s reserve national anthem, should God Save the Queen ever be lost or become unfashionable.
According to a Government spokesman, the procedure will take place under scrutiny from the Queen herself, and will also be monitored by two armed guards. They are trained to “go straight for the knackers” should Goodwin either attempt to halt proceedings or be “unsexy on purpose”, sources claim.
The room’s lighting will be specially dimmed for the occasion, which will signify the lowering of Britain’s credit rating (downgraded from AAA to AA last year). Other sarcastic gestures in the irony-riddled ceremony will include a portrait of Shane McGowan adorning a wall (symbolising ‘a mess, both financial and literal’), a man shouting into a bin (just ‘capitalism’) and a stuffed jackdaw (‘out-and-out greed’).
